This epic mockery, Byron writ
With excellent recourse to wit,
passion, war, and sharp satires:
Though by the end it tires.
We follow our hero, quite Byronic,
on adventures soaked ironic,
If you thought you knew Don Juan
For Byron's hero is a now one.
In Seville, with Julia love
Alight'd on his heart: a dove
(A dove? why that is just a pigeon!
alas-- rhyming is a fool's religion).
Anyhow, a dove alighted on heart,
And gave his innocence a start.
And by-and-by his Julia deary
Had a husband old and weary,
Who spoiled Juan's fun, 'tis true,
When discovered 'neath bed: his shoe.
And so his mother sent him to sea,
to see the World, not touch but see.
At see a storm quite fixed his fate!
A lack of food made them all irrate
And 'came mad with hunger none could sate
And poor Pedrillo the crew ate,
(Cannibalism is quite serious,
And to men's mind: quite deleterious!)
And so alone, Greek isle stranded
On shores of Haidee's heart he landed.
And Haidee showed him love true,
Capable with just love's two.
Until her dear, thought-dead father,
Preferred Juan for a slave, rather.
Then to the land of Turkey, went
Juan, where money on him spent
Made him a slave to Gulbeyez,
and also fit him in a dress.
She loved him dear, but he could not
Forget Haidee, not yet
And then abruptly Russia fought
the Turks and home with them brought
Juan for Catherine, queen of queans
Who gave him ample means.
But the weather wrought his health undone
And so was sent off to London.
At this point all became digression
and much slowed down the tale's progression.
A ghost and a fair lady pass,
And distract Juan from recherché lass.
But all with metaphysics clogged
And thus the story's bogged.
And then, alas, abruptly stopped,
Because poor Byron dropped.